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Posted by APB on Shelter Island [24.46.16.43] on Friday, November 05, 2010 at 19:26:56 :
A few years ago, early on a winter's morning, I was relaxing on the bed, gazing out upon my vast, park-like surroundings, when I saw a deer within the No-Deer-Zone, which is about a half acre in my back yard where they are not welcome. The area includes the swimming pool, and some nice specimen trees that I have rescued over the years. Since the deer eat everything, we all have enclosures where they are excluded, hopefully.
I first tried erecting a 6-foot high fence, and they just laughed at me, and stepped over it to eat my trees. Then I erected an 8-foot high one, and they stopped laughing, but took a flying leap and could get over it. So I erected a 9-foot high one, and now the SOB's stay out.
An occasional one will still jump over, but it only happens once every three years or so.
This particular morning, there was a foot or so of snow on the ground, and I ran out barefoot, in my boxers and tee shirt, armed only with a Glock model 19, through the drifts.
I chased Mrs. Deer towards the back part of the fence, where she took one look over her shoulder at me, just as she collided with a maple tree with a trunk about two feet in diameter. The collision snapped her neck, and she fell to the ground, twitching, until she expired a few moments later, with no (illegal) shots being fired. (It's illegal in Suffolk County to discharge a pistol or rifle.)
My wife, the beautiful Mrs. Bloom, saw me walking back half naked, with a pistol in my hand and said what every normal wife would say in that position: "What the !@#$%^&*(*&^%$#@!@# are you doing outside, in your underwear, carry a pistol?"
I explained that I had killed a deer that had violated the NDZ, and that I was about to call my friend Barry to come get the carcass. I said "I just shot a deer in my back yard, do you want the meat?"
Barry and his wife came to drag it out to his pickup, and he took it home and butchered it.
A few weeks later, I happened to ask him how he liked the deer. He said "It was great, but I looked and looked, and I never did find the bullet."
I didn't tell him how I had killed it with my bare hands ...er...feet.
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