Posted by Steve Kanavas on Wednesday, August 22, 2001 at 0:11AM :
After reading Nathan's oil change litany, here’s another timeless one. Joe: Sorry for the bandwidth use. I got this one about 10 years ago, and have added a few. HEY GUYS: Add a couple for a grin on the forum.. sak
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
SOCKET WRENCHES: An effective vision test. Size identification stamping under 1/16” in height and less than .002” in depth is seemingly United federation of Planets law.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of card board cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops, bed covers or plastic containers holding liquids.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling holes in the floor just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
HACKSAW: One of a family of diabolical cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
PNEUMATIC DIE DRINDER: See hacksaw.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the useless special tools drawer (What wife would think to look in there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them some where under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Jesusfuckingchrist" while simultaneously impaling your chest with wire projectiles.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed a set of lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
SIDE CUTTER: A tool for removing wood splinters.
Also see wire wheel.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. Guaranteed to rust before you can put it back in the drawer. Always dull.
DRAIN PAN: Invented as a sales tool by the makers of Oil Dri.
OIL STONE: Purchased new but always broken. Rarely can be found when needed. See Snap On Gasket Scraper.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any drill bit known to man.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for effectively illuminating grease build up on crankshaft pulleys.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps, fuel lines, and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
TORX FASTENERS: Provides nurturing environment for rust. Always stripped, see EZ Out Bolt and Stud Extractor.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to paint, to finger cuts and to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a droplight, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mmhowitzer shells might be used during the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. Another attractive use is to rebuild scar tissue tightening loose bulbs while at 863 degrees C. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans you got from your father and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into noise and some compressed air that travels by a leaking hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by some disgruntled union employee, and promptly rounds them off.
ANGLE GRINDER: Most powerful electric motor known. Torques to the left or right when started, (user can never remember which way) causing disk to garf anything within 14 feet simultaneously creating ragged vee notches in knuckles.
ANTI TORQUE HANDLE: Located in bottom drawer of toolbox. See angle grinder.
AIR HOSE QUICK DISCONNECTS: Purchased new with leaks. When actuated, hose uncouples and is propelled at escape velocity. Usually is stopped by fender of wife’s car.
WIRE DRIVE WELDER: Proves electrical insulative qualities of welding wire, ground clamps, and materials to be welded. Only sparks when helmet is up.
PLIERS: Proves the ineffectiveness of a slip joint by inducing long blood blisters on your palm.
GASKET SEALER: The correct way to split gaskets.
REED&PRINCE SCREWDRIVERS: Of no possible use to mankind.
POZI DRIV SCREWDRIVERS: Purchased from expensive Snap On Dealer. See Reed&Prince.
CREEPER: Allows free motion until wheel contacts grain of sand. Also good for cutting trouble light cord and hiding wrenches. Wheels are effective shop rag magnet. Developed by Chiropractic board.
SPARK PLUG SOCKET: Has affinity for porcelain. Insulated variant more so.
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