OT. History...I couldn't resist (Not for the thinnned skin l


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Posted by Judd on Friday, July 08, 2005 at 10:16AM :

History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small
bands of nomadic hunter/gathers. They lived on deer in the mountains
during the summer and, would go to the coast and live on fish and
lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get men to
the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct
subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for
them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed.

Some men spent their d ays tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's doing the
sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into
women. The rest became known as "girlymen".

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of
Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also
bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women.

Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, soldiers, athletes and generally anyone who works
productively outside government.

Conservative who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work
for a living.

Liber als produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They
crept in after the Wild West was tamed, and created a business of trying
to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history



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